So, I signed up for a free online dating site a couple weeks ago, and thus far have enjoyed it much more than expected. I've been trying to keep my expectations low and just enjoy "meeting" and getting to know interesting new people in my area, with quite a bit of success.
...But nobody cares about that part, right? You came here for the crazies! Without further ado, the good stuff:
1. A gentleman messages me in piratespeak. I am amused and intrigued, so I reply. I notice the timestamp on his message (6:31 AM), and ask what piratey activities he was engaged in at so early an hour. "Oh, the usual, raping and pillaging." Funny, yes, but my Shoulder FeministTM (like a shoulder angel but better) suggests rethinking the whole mentioning-rape-within-30-seconds-of-initiating-contact-with-a-stranger thing. As with all good pirates, the memory of this man will be kept alive for years courtesy of my friends and brother, who have already christened him Rapey Pirate Guy(TM).
2. The meathead dude whose profile pic is a selfie of him flexing in his mother's bathroom mirror (because come on, he obviously lives with his parents, whey protein is expensive), in response to the profile prompt regarding the most private thing you're willing to admit: "Each of my testicles is the size of an egg!" #humblebrag #TMI
3. "You actually liked Voyager?!", a.k.a. Insult Guy: I check out his profile to see whether it's worth engaging with this dude in defense of my beloved Kate Mulgrew, and see that he has slipped in a casual reference to his side job editing the newsletter of his Mensa club. Really? I thought Mensa was like Fight Club, you know, the first rule about Fight Club is you don't talk about Fight Club. Because everyone knows talking about Fight Club makes you look like a huge douche/possibly gets you made into soap.
Tonight's honorable mention goes to the plucky RageBlitz, for messaging me under the delusion that we would share absolutely anything in common beyond distant primate ancestry. And we're talking third chimp-cousins at best.
Non-mention to all the lame guys who don't fill out their profiles and message you with a halfhearted "hey." Did someone force you to fill out the application at knifepoint? At least give me something to make fun of besides your profile picture of just your abs. Like, draw a weird face on them or something. Come ON.
Side note: wouldn't "Abs Only" be kind of an awesome name for a bad 80s cover band?
...But nobody cares about that part, right? You came here for the crazies! Without further ado, the good stuff:
1. A gentleman messages me in piratespeak. I am amused and intrigued, so I reply. I notice the timestamp on his message (6:31 AM), and ask what piratey activities he was engaged in at so early an hour. "Oh, the usual, raping and pillaging." Funny, yes, but my Shoulder FeministTM (like a shoulder angel but better) suggests rethinking the whole mentioning-rape-within-30-seconds-of-initiating-contact-with-a-stranger thing. As with all good pirates, the memory of this man will be kept alive for years courtesy of my friends and brother, who have already christened him Rapey Pirate Guy(TM).
2. The meathead dude whose profile pic is a selfie of him flexing in his mother's bathroom mirror (because come on, he obviously lives with his parents, whey protein is expensive), in response to the profile prompt regarding the most private thing you're willing to admit: "Each of my testicles is the size of an egg!" #humblebrag #TMI
3. "You actually liked Voyager?!", a.k.a. Insult Guy: I check out his profile to see whether it's worth engaging with this dude in defense of my beloved Kate Mulgrew, and see that he has slipped in a casual reference to his side job editing the newsletter of his Mensa club. Really? I thought Mensa was like Fight Club, you know, the first rule about Fight Club is you don't talk about Fight Club. Because everyone knows talking about Fight Club makes you look like a huge douche/possibly gets you made into soap.
Tonight's honorable mention goes to the plucky RageBlitz, for messaging me under the delusion that we would share absolutely anything in common beyond distant primate ancestry. And we're talking third chimp-cousins at best.
Non-mention to all the lame guys who don't fill out their profiles and message you with a halfhearted "hey." Did someone force you to fill out the application at knifepoint? At least give me something to make fun of besides your profile picture of just your abs. Like, draw a weird face on them or something. Come ON.
Side note: wouldn't "Abs Only" be kind of an awesome name for a bad 80s cover band?
Hahahaha! Glad to see you're making good use of your Wed. night Sketchy-Motel-6 stay. Great post -- glad I checked in!
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