One of my oldest and closest friends became a father about seven months ago. His lovely daughter finally arrived after years of planning, waiting, and heartache, and it's a joy to see him and his wife, also a good friend, delighting in their much-hoped-for little family.
Recently he posed an interesting question out of the blue (really, he just texted it to me one day without preamble): what is the most important thing fathers can do for their daughters? Out of respect for the importance of the question, I told him I needed some time to think about it. Here is my answer, and because I am my long-winded father's daughter, there is a whole list of important things instead of just one.
Important things fathers should do for their daughters
by a very qualified human*
1. Take her seriously. Listen to her and ask questions. View her as a whole person. Allow her the room she needs to grow and explore, and provide a safe harbor (you/your partner/your home) to retreat to when things get too overwhelming.
2. Relatedly, give her genuine praise about things other than her appearance. In our culture girls are taught that their appearance and ability to attract a man are all that matters, and sexualized from a disturbingly young age. I'm not saying you can never tell her she's beautiful, because she is, but please also compliment her on her performance on that tough spelling test, her kindness to the new kid at school, the way she shared the last brownie with her little brother, her bravery during her first trip to sleep-away camp. Make sure she understands that she is okay just the way she is, whether her appearance or interests or feelings or whatever else conform to societal ideals or not.
3. Love her mother. Model a healthy adult relationship for your daughter. Whether you're still romantically attached to her mother or not, model kindness and responsibility, and never badmouth her mother in front of her. Treat all women and girls with respect and let your daughter see you do it.
4. Let her see you being a fully developed human, in all its facets. Let her see you being sad, vulnerable, and all the other emotional experiences we deny men in our culture. Model how to deal with these emotions and talk about them in a healthy way. You don't always have to be tough for her in the way you might think.
5. Don't get weird when she goes through puberty and becomes a teenager. Many fathers freak out and distance themselves from their daughters at this crucial developmental time because they only know how to relate to their little girl, not the young woman she is becoming. She still needs you, now more than ever. Some young women may find their relationships with their mothers becoming especially distant or strained during their adolescence, and so need their dads more than ever.
6. Include her in your everyday activities and teach her things (not just "girl" things) as she expresses interest. If she wants to play trucks, or do BMX biking with you, or help you build something, encourage her and spend time on the activity together. Conversely, if she wants you to dress up in the fluffiest pink dress ever, do it without commenting on how the activity is "for girls," and have fun! I loved watching Star Trek with my dad, grandpa, and uncle as a kid. My brother and I had a great time just hanging out with them in their workshops or tagging along on a trip to the dump. Some of my favorite childhood memories involve very mundane activities with my dad: trips to the hardware store, helping him fix things around the house, gardening, cooking. Because of this, I'm now confident in my ability to take care of a house and yard, and to pick up more skills (tiling? putting up drywall?) should the need arise. I also know how to relate to men as a whole person who deserves to be taken seriously, instead of everything riding on my appearance and/or ability to reproduce.
7. Give her your time. Oh my God, please give her your time. Don't buy into the lie that working all the time to provide for the family trumps an hour on the playroom floor with her playing board games. Don't try to be the cool dad who lets her do things mom already said no to. Spend some damn time with your daughter. Try to make it to school plays and soccer games and dance recitals. Your face in the audience means more than you know. If you can, offer to chaperone some school trips. My dad was usually one of the only fathers present on our field trips because of his flexible work schedule. Even at a young age I was aware that this was unusual, and proud and grateful that he was there.
*daughter with a father
I surprised myself by crying while writing some of this. I'm so grateful to my dad (and mom) for giving me the things on this list. And to A, thanks for your question. In posing it you already show what a great dad you are, and are becoming. I look forward to watching you and L navigate life with your lovely daughter in coming years.
All my love,
Renée
Recently he posed an interesting question out of the blue (really, he just texted it to me one day without preamble): what is the most important thing fathers can do for their daughters? Out of respect for the importance of the question, I told him I needed some time to think about it. Here is my answer, and because I am my long-winded father's daughter, there is a whole list of important things instead of just one.
Important things fathers should do for their daughters
by a very qualified human*
1. Take her seriously. Listen to her and ask questions. View her as a whole person. Allow her the room she needs to grow and explore, and provide a safe harbor (you/your partner/your home) to retreat to when things get too overwhelming.
2. Relatedly, give her genuine praise about things other than her appearance. In our culture girls are taught that their appearance and ability to attract a man are all that matters, and sexualized from a disturbingly young age. I'm not saying you can never tell her she's beautiful, because she is, but please also compliment her on her performance on that tough spelling test, her kindness to the new kid at school, the way she shared the last brownie with her little brother, her bravery during her first trip to sleep-away camp. Make sure she understands that she is okay just the way she is, whether her appearance or interests or feelings or whatever else conform to societal ideals or not.
3. Love her mother. Model a healthy adult relationship for your daughter. Whether you're still romantically attached to her mother or not, model kindness and responsibility, and never badmouth her mother in front of her. Treat all women and girls with respect and let your daughter see you do it.
4. Let her see you being a fully developed human, in all its facets. Let her see you being sad, vulnerable, and all the other emotional experiences we deny men in our culture. Model how to deal with these emotions and talk about them in a healthy way. You don't always have to be tough for her in the way you might think.
5. Don't get weird when she goes through puberty and becomes a teenager. Many fathers freak out and distance themselves from their daughters at this crucial developmental time because they only know how to relate to their little girl, not the young woman she is becoming. She still needs you, now more than ever. Some young women may find their relationships with their mothers becoming especially distant or strained during their adolescence, and so need their dads more than ever.
6. Include her in your everyday activities and teach her things (not just "girl" things) as she expresses interest. If she wants to play trucks, or do BMX biking with you, or help you build something, encourage her and spend time on the activity together. Conversely, if she wants you to dress up in the fluffiest pink dress ever, do it without commenting on how the activity is "for girls," and have fun! I loved watching Star Trek with my dad, grandpa, and uncle as a kid. My brother and I had a great time just hanging out with them in their workshops or tagging along on a trip to the dump. Some of my favorite childhood memories involve very mundane activities with my dad: trips to the hardware store, helping him fix things around the house, gardening, cooking. Because of this, I'm now confident in my ability to take care of a house and yard, and to pick up more skills (tiling? putting up drywall?) should the need arise. I also know how to relate to men as a whole person who deserves to be taken seriously, instead of everything riding on my appearance and/or ability to reproduce.
7. Give her your time. Oh my God, please give her your time. Don't buy into the lie that working all the time to provide for the family trumps an hour on the playroom floor with her playing board games. Don't try to be the cool dad who lets her do things mom already said no to. Spend some damn time with your daughter. Try to make it to school plays and soccer games and dance recitals. Your face in the audience means more than you know. If you can, offer to chaperone some school trips. My dad was usually one of the only fathers present on our field trips because of his flexible work schedule. Even at a young age I was aware that this was unusual, and proud and grateful that he was there.
*daughter with a father
I surprised myself by crying while writing some of this. I'm so grateful to my dad (and mom) for giving me the things on this list. And to A, thanks for your question. In posing it you already show what a great dad you are, and are becoming. I look forward to watching you and L navigate life with your lovely daughter in coming years.
All my love,
Renée
Wow -- this was certainly worth the wait after the long dry spell! Thank you for such a thoughtful and heartwarming post. (good thing the tissues are within reach)
ReplyDelete<3 :o)